This has been a subject of debate over the years and although no side can ever irrefutably lay all the blame on the other, the fact still remains that cheating at any level isn't right. I for one, am of the opinion that both sides are to blame when the subject of cheating comes up. I am a strong believer in the idea that the man was born to lead (at least at the family level) and that he bears the grunt of praise and/or blame.
That being said, cheating at the family level is no longer unheard of, look at the world we live in today. It is ALMOST statistically true that 1 in every 10 (or even less) married men will cheat and the puzzling question is WHY?!!…even more puzzling is why the trend is increasing.
Now I must add here that this article takes a look at cheating from my perspective of the African (Nigerian) society.
In this society, we tend to delude ourselves when the issue of sex and romance comes up. Nobody really wants to get into the nitty-gritty (publicly) for fear of being seen as not having right moral upbringing.
But why?? (PGEJ’s voice)--Get the joke
First, LACK OF ADEQUATE "ORIENTATION": Even the most trivial of things point to wrong moral upbringing. The subject of religion clouds our judgment to a point where expressing your need to know certain things (that could be of help in your married life) is just plain wrong. Make no mistake, sex is very important in marriage. We find, on the contrary, that discussing (exploring) the issue of sex is a no no…its bad, its wrong and it could mean you are a bad child or your parents are bad parents (or both). As a result people go into marriage uninformed, with all the wrong notions that kids are the most important part of starting a family, but what happens to the relationship of Father and Mother after the kids have all come….what happens to the next 30-40 years together?
It is the sad truth that 90 (ok 80%) of Nigerian parents live in emotional detachment with each other. The reason for staying together simply being “what about the kids?” or “what will people say?”
In my opinion, 30 years is a very long time to live detached emotionally. Now as a man in that setting who is in his 50s, still has a 'drive' but can’t connect with his wife and has a young attractive assistant or co-worker or has close friends who are already cheating in their marriages....what do you think?
Second, UPKEEP: The issue of weight and HIP:WAIST ratio is a touchy subject that I will try to avoid….although it is very glaring in our society. If you doubt, take stock of all the middle aged married women you know. LOVE is a divine thing… agreed, but ATTRACTION is purely physical. I don't know about other guys but big belly (that's not pregnancy) on a lady is very very unattractive. Now the attraction in marriage wanes over the years, which is normal. But you don't hasten the process by losing the things that makes a man attracted to you within 10 years.
“Cheating usually occurs in the phase of companionate love, when couples begin to
settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together,” says clinical
psychologist Andra Brosh, Phd
So whereas a man has aged 10 years, his wife ages 2-3x 10 years… that is so not attractive. I am not trying to point fingers at this point but the truth has to be told. If you know what your husband was attracted to when he married you, please try to keep that up. If you lose all the attractiveness within a decade, will it be far-fetched if husband and wife sleep on the same bed at opposite sides… facing opposite directions?
settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together,” says clinical
psychologist Andra Brosh, Phd
So whereas a man has aged 10 years, his wife ages 2-3x 10 years… that is so not attractive. I am not trying to point fingers at this point but the truth has to be told. If you know what your husband was attracted to when he married you, please try to keep that up. If you lose all the attractiveness within a decade, will it be far-fetched if husband and wife sleep on the same bed at opposite sides… facing opposite directions?
Third, something I read about recently- JUSTIFICATION: Men find it easier than women to justify flirting. We call it healthy 'cordial' relationship. Men, both married and single, will flirt with just about any (single) woman, as long as she indicates she will flirt back. Supposing any or both of the factors above are already working in a 'married' man's life and there happens to be this friend/business partner/co-worker/trainee/student (the list is endless) with whom he constantly flirts…would we say it’s only a matter of time? Of course it doesn't lead to cheating 100% of the time, but you can only leave two adult people who enjoy flirting with each other to go on for so long. Here’s how it works…flirting from distance turns to flirting in close contact…which turns to slight pats and touches…need I go on? Each step just gets easier and easier to justify (“after all it’s not like we are sleeping together….it was JUST a peck the last time”).
Fourth, an issue of PERSONAL MORALS: A guy most times will flirt with any lady (within his personally accepted age and physical outlook range) older or younger. If the lady happens to have a ring on (which ladies these days usually do) the guy checks out if it’s on the ring finger of the right hand (coded-ly) and if its there…SOME guys would back off. It goes to say that women who've got their wedding ring(s) on are most times 'no-go area' for guys (i may be wrong here though). A man with his wedding ring on is still fair game (maybe even more so than his counterpart without a ring on) for young-middle aged single ladies. Now ladies might beg to differ to this but statistically, most men cheating do so with single ladies because married ladies are off the reservation…check am. Another reason is that a young married woman won’t probably cheat….she’s still good looking and still excited with her marriage and Men won’t leave their wives to go after women of the same age (as their wives) who probably are married or aren't more exciting than their wives anyway.
In Summary: I did try to be as neutral as possible, but from my point of view…correction is indicated at both sides.....because married women cheat too.
Remember something…a man doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat….it builds up…in fact he might have even weighed the consequences if he’s intelligent. That goes to say that these are trends that society can curb if the right steps are taken by both parties…there’s something the Bible says about the TRUTH and its ability to SET YOU FREE if you find yourself in a position like this.
Remember something…a man doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat….it builds up…in fact he might have even weighed the consequences if he’s intelligent. That goes to say that these are trends that society can curb if the right steps are taken by both parties…there’s something the Bible says about the TRUTH and its ability to SET YOU FREE if you find yourself in a position like this.
For the record: I'm not married...yet, now someone might say i need to be married to be able talk, but if you are married and you disagree (with this post) thats good for you. If you are single like me and you disagree, i sincerely hope you still disagree after 20 years of marriage.
Personally, i'm still looking for a more sensible reason to get married....other than just to propagate my generation.
Did I blunder or miss something? Share your opinions/experiences…