MARRIED MEN CHEAT MUCH MORE THAN MARRIED WOMEN…?

This has been a subject of debate over the years and although no side can ever irrefutably lay all the blame on the other, the fact still remains that cheating at any level isn't right. I for one, am of the opinion that both sides are to blame when the subject of cheating comes up. I am a strong believer in the idea that the man was born to lead (at least at the family level) and that he bears the grunt of praise and/or blame.

That being said, cheating at the family level is no longer unheard of, look at the world we live in today. It is ALMOST statistically true that 1 in every 10 (or even less) married men will cheat and the puzzling question is WHY?!!…even more puzzling is why the trend is increasing.

Now I must add here that this article takes a look at cheating from my perspective of the African (Nigerian) society.

In this society, we tend to delude ourselves when the issue of sex and romance comes up. Nobody really wants to get into the nitty-gritty (publicly) for fear of being seen as not having right moral upbringing.

But why?? (PGEJ’s voice)--Get the joke

First, LACK OF ADEQUATE "ORIENTATION": Even the most trivial of things point to wrong moral upbringing. The subject of religion clouds our judgment to a point where expressing your need to know certain things (that could be of help in your married life) is just plain wrong. Make no mistake, sex is very important in marriage. We find, on the contrary, that discussing (exploring) the issue of sex is a no no…its bad, its wrong and it could mean you are a bad child or your parents are bad parents (or both). As a result people go into marriage uninformed, with all the wrong notions that kids are the most important part of starting a family, but what happens to the relationship of Father and Mother after the kids have all come….what happens to the next 30-40 years together?

It is the sad truth that 90 (ok 80%) of Nigerian parents live in emotional detachment with each other. The reason for staying together simply being “what about the kids?” or “what will people say?”

In my opinion, 30 years is a very long time to live detached emotionally. Now as a man in that setting who is in his  50s, still has a 'drive' but can’t connect with his wife and has a young attractive assistant or co-worker or has close friends who are already cheating in their marriages....what do you think?

Second, UPKEEP: The issue of weight and HIP:WAIST ratio is a touchy subject that I will try to avoid….although it is very glaring in our society. If you doubt, take stock of all the middle aged married women you know. LOVE is a divine thing… agreed, but ATTRACTION is purely physical. I don't know about other guys but big belly (that's not pregnancy) on a lady is very very unattractive. Now the attraction in marriage wanes over the years, which is normal. But you don't hasten the process by losing the things that makes a man attracted to you within 10 years.

“Cheating usually occurs in the phase of companionate love, when couples begin to 

settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together,” says clinical 

psychologist Andra Brosh, Phd

So whereas a man has aged 10 years, his wife ages 2-3x 10 years… that is so not attractive. I am not trying to point fingers at this point but the truth has to be told. If you know what your husband was attracted to when he married you, please try to keep that up. If you lose all the attractiveness within a decade, will it be far-fetched if husband and wife sleep on the same bed at opposite sides… facing opposite directions?

Third, something I read about recently- JUSTIFICATION: Men find it easier than women to justify flirting. We call it healthy 'cordial' relationship. Men, both married and single, will flirt with just about any (single) woman, as long as she indicates she will flirt back. Supposing any or both of the factors above are already working in a 'married' man's life and there happens to be this friend/business partner/co-worker/trainee/student (the list is endless) with whom he constantly flirts…would we say it’s only a matter of time? Of course it doesn't lead to cheating 100% of the time, but you can only leave two adult people who enjoy flirting with each other to go on for so long. Here’s how it works…flirting from distance turns to flirting in close contact…which turns to slight pats and touches…need I go on? Each step just gets easier and easier to justify (“after all it’s not like we are sleeping together….it was JUST a peck the last time”).

 ...a little about that here

Fourth, an issue of PERSONAL MORALS: A guy most times will flirt with any lady (within his personally accepted age and physical outlook range) older or younger. If the lady happens to have a ring on (which ladies these days usually do) the guy checks out if it’s on the ring finger of the right hand (coded-ly) and if its there…SOME guys would back off. It goes to say that women who've got their wedding ring(s) on are most times 'no-go area' for  guys (i may be wrong here though). A man with his wedding ring on is still fair game (maybe even more so than his counterpart without a ring on) for young-middle aged single ladies. Now ladies might beg to differ to this but statistically, most men cheating do so with single ladies because married ladies are off the reservation…check am. Another reason is that a young married woman won’t probably cheat….she’s still good looking and still excited with her marriage and Men won’t leave their wives to go after women of the same age (as their wives) who probably are married or aren't more exciting than their wives anyway.

In Summary: I did try to be as neutral as possible, but from my point of view…correction is indicated at both sides.....because married women cheat too.

Remember something…a man doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to cheat….it builds up…in fact he might have even weighed the consequences if he’s intelligent. That goes to say that these are trends that society can curb if the right steps are taken by both parties…there’s something the Bible says about the TRUTH and its ability to SET YOU FREE if you find yourself in a position like this.

For the record: I'm not married...yet, now someone might say i need to be married to be able talk, but if you are married and you disagree (with this post) thats good for you. If you are single like me and you disagree, i sincerely hope you still disagree after 20 years of marriage. 

Personally, i'm still looking for a more sensible reason to get married....other than just to propagate my generation.

Did I blunder or miss something? Share your opinions/experiences…

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WE ARE ALL BOKO HARAM

                    

I was fifteen years old when the civil war broke out in Nigeria.  Although we were living in Ibadan in the South-west at the time, my sympathies were totally and unequivocally with the Igbos.  When a people have been so brutally butchered by their countrymen as happened to the Igbos, I felt they had no choice but to insist on leaving the country.  Therefore, I understood why the Biafrans went to war and what they were fighting for.  But I could not, for the life of me, understand what those on the federal side were fighting for.  Why would anybody fight for Nigeria?

I lost a first-cousin fighting on the federal side during the civil war.  I wish I could have found out first-hand from him why he gave his life “to keep Nigeria one.”  Did he really believe in Nigeria?  I doubt it.  Why then did he join the army after the war broke out and die in the war?  What about those who fought and did not die?  What was in Nigeria for them?  How did Nigeria justify their sacrifice of blood and gore after the war?

Fighting for Nigeria

The question is still pertinent today as we mobilize to fight the scourge of the Boko Haram.  Why would anybody fight for Nigeria?  What is in Nigeria for us?  There is a difference between joining an army for career purposes and believing in Nigeria.  There is a difference between joining the Nigerian army because you need a job and dying for Nigeria.  There is a difference between going to war and getting killed and dying for Nigeria.  For a man to die for Nigeria, he has to believe in Nigeria.  For a man to believe in Nigeria, Nigeria has to mean something for him.  Nigeria must have something to offer him.

John Kennedy said: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”  That is all well and good; provided we have fulfilled the first requirement which is to identify our country.  Most Nigerians have yet to do this.  We are Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba and every other possible abridgement or classification but not Nigerians.  We are Christians and Muslims but not yet Nigerians.  Even after 54 years of Nigerian independence, and after 100 years of Nigerian amalgamation, most Nigerians still do not really consider themselves to be Nigerians.

We can acknowledge the assistance of the Americans, the British, the French and others.  But the truth of the matter is that only a Nigerian can fight for Nigeria against the Boko Haram.  Only a Nigerian can have the necessary commitment to endanger his life in fighting against the insurgents.  However, there are few Nigerians in Nigeria.  As a matter of fact, most Nigerians are Boko Haram in one fashion or the other.

Nigerian foreigners

I was upset when I read about a Nigerian who died fighting in the U.S. Army in Iraq.  He not only became an American, he fought and died for America.  Every year, thousands of Nigerians play the American lottery, hoping to relinquish Nigerian nationality.  Every week, thousands mass at European, American and other embassies, hoping to travel out of Nigeria for good.  I even met a Nigerian barber in poor Gambia and wondered what he was doing there.  What was he doing in Gambia when there are better business opportunities for him in Nigeria; unless anywhere else is better than home?

The Lamido of Adamawa threatened that if things don’t work out in Nigeria, he would simply pack his bags and move to Cameroon.  It would appear then that the Lamido is actually a Cameroonian living in Nigeria.  Most countries go to war to secure more territories for themselves.  The Russians recently used the opportunity of a little crisis in Ukraine go annex the Crimea.  However, Obasanjo gave away a big chunk of Nigeria’s Bakassi Peninsula to Cameroon.  It did not matter to him that the people of Bakassi are Nigerians and not Cameroonians.  While we are shouting “Bring Back Our Girls” today, we forgot to ask Obasanjo to bring back our Bakassi Nigerians yesterday.

Hatred of Nigeria

So many theories have been adduced as to why the Boko Haram prevail in Nigeria.  Some attribute this to the acute poverty in the Nigerian North-east.  However, there are countries in the world far poorer than Nigeria, and they don’t have their own versions of the Boko Haram.  There are countries with greater income disparities than Nigeria, and they don’t produce the Boko Haram.  No matter how poor are the states of the North-east, they are not poorer than the adjoining countries of Niger, Chad and Cameroon.  And yet, there is no Boko Haram in these poorer countries.

There is also nothing really Muslim about the Boko Haram.  Other Muslim countries in Africa and beyond don’t have Boko Haram.  When the Boko Haram plant bombs in market-places; the bombs are not programmed to differentiate between Christians and Muslims.  Recently, the Boko Haram attacked some Emirs, killing one of them.  Surely, the Emirs were not Christians but Muslims.

In effect, the Boko Haram is a wonderfully Nigerian phenomenon.  There is something in Nigeria that provides a fertile ground for the Boko Haram.  That thing is not limited to the North-east.  That thing bedevils the whole of Nigeria.  That thing is lack of national identity.  That thing is hatred for Nigeria and for other Nigerians.  The hatred of Nigeria by Nigerians is so deep and ingrained in us North and South; East and West.  We are Nigerians, but we hate Nigeria.  We are Nigerians, but we see nothing good in Nigeria.  We are Nigerians, but we would rather be something else.  If push comes to shove, we would have no qualms picking up a gun and killing another Nigerian in the name of whatever other allegiance we hold dearer.

Battle for independence

Because there are actually very few Nigerians in Nigeria, it is difficult to fight against the Boko Haram.  To fight against the Boko Haram is to fight against ourselves.  Every Nigerian is either a Boko Haram or a potential Boko Haram.  A Boko Haram is a Boko Haram because he does not believe in Nigeria.  The rest of us are Boko Haram because we also do not believe in Nigeria.  We hate Nigeria with a passion.  Murtala Nyako can fight for his citizens of the North.  Femi Fani-Kayode will readily call his Oduduwa Republic to arms.  MASSOB will easily rally the troops for Biafra.  But there is practically no one left to fight for and defend Nigeria.

Only Nigerians can fight the Boko Haram, but there are few Nigerians in Nigeria.  That is why it has been difficult for us to close ranks in the face of the Boko Haram onslaught.  That is why it is easy for the Boko Haram to get new local recruits in the fight against Nigeria.  That is also why it is difficult to identify the Boko Haram among us.  The Boko Haram and the potential Boko Haramite is anyone and everyone who hates Nigeria and does not wish Nigeria well.  That means the Boko Haram are practically every one of us.

The fight against Boko Haram is a belated fight for Nigeria’s independence.  In order to fight the Boko Haram successfully, we have to become Nigerians.  Other countries fought for their independence but we never did in Nigeria.  Suddenly, we are now saying “Bring back Our Girls.”  But these Chibok girls were not “Our Girls” before they were kidnapped.  And even if, by the grace of God, we were to secure their release tomorrow; they would immediately cease to be “Our Girls.”  This makes us no different from the Boko Haram.  The Boko Haram kidnapped these girls because they are not theirs.  Neither do we consider them to be ours.  They cannot be ours as long as we do not believe we are all Nigerians.  Therefore, all our “bring back Our Girls” posturing is just for show.

Nigerian Boko Haram

Nigerians only become Nigerians in the rarefied context of a national football match of short duration.  But even while we are united in supporting the Super Eagles, we equally support Arsenal and Chelsea football clubs in England.  There was no report of any Spaniard dying as a result of the recent Champion League football match between Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid.  Nevertheless, two Nigerian supporters of Real Madrid died out of anxiety arising from the match.  Because we are Boko Haram, we even kill ourselves over matters that don’t pertain directly to us.  I am still waiting for the day that I go to London and find Britons wearing T-shirts with Enugu Rangers or Kano Pillars football clubs emblazoned on them.

Because we are not Nigerians, we readily adopt foreign “nations” that don’t recognize us and call them our own.  Because we don’t believe in Nigeria, we are easily seduced to take on other “nationalities.”  Because we are don’t believe in Nigeria, we can easily be led to believe in another “nation.”  We are easily persuaded to become Boko Haram.  Because we hate Nigeria, we become Boko Haram instead of Nigerians.  We plant bombs in the market-place.  We bring Nigeria down instead of building Nigeria up.  Since the children of Chibok are not our children, we steal the money meant for enhancing their education and use it to send our children to school abroad.

The Boko Haram is not only the man who blows up buildings and kills the innocent.  The Boko Haram is also that man who ensures that fake drugs are sold in our pharmacies, and that our hospitals are places where people go to die and not to be healed.  The Boko Haram is not only that man who says “Western education is a sin.”  The Boko Haram is also that public official who sits while our universities are closed down for six months over an industrial dispute. The Chibok incident has brought all these tendencies into sharp relief.  We are the Boko Haram and the Boko Haram are us.



By Femi Aribisala.                                                  June 03, 2014.

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